It wasn't as if I had intended to snap towards Kaylee. That was the last thing I had intended to do. The words that escaped from my lips had more or less made everything worse. They were always there. The words that just wanted to completely discard my sister and allow me to go after what I truly wanted. It only made me feel guilty.

I sighed to myself - only remembering the idea that I didn't want to talk about River. I froze against Kaylee, my body tensed and my head filled.

I shook my head, "I'm sorry... I..." Another sigh joined my previous one and I felt my stomach twist. "I just... We're only going around in circles and that's both quite frustrating and confusing. I didn't mean to snap towards you."

This was the feeling that I couldn't stand to have. Jealousy. I never dealt well with - well, I couldn't think of many things I did deal well with. Only the things I wasn't so emotionally attached too. This wasn't exactly something that I could separate myself from and look at discreetly and without bias.


I went to slip myself from hammock, almost throwing the both of us off in the process. I quickly caught her from falling onto the cold metal of the engine room's floor. I closed my eyes not wanting to murmur another sorry towards her. The word would start to lose its meaning after so many. "I-I really should get back to work. There's a list of things that we'll need. I'll... I'll have to give the Captain it - and... I just think I should go," I said honestly, taking a deep breath as I let go of her waist.


I never had the patience to listen to the fact that she wanted me but only along with River. I couldn't help but think that if it was the other case she could do specifically without me.

"If you need... anything... I'll be -... you'll know where to find me."

As I slipped from the room, I nearly crashed into River in the doorway. She only looked up at me with glazed over wide eyes - wide, bright and curious eyes - but it was too much. I pressed a hand lightly to her shoulder before retreating out of the engine room and towards my own.

Wakin' up in River's arms this mornin'? As amazin' as it was, it almost didn't feel real.

I knew it was, so maybe that was comin' from my thinkin' it was never gonna happen again. I really wasn't sure at this point, and none of it really mattered. What did was the smile on her face when my eyes fluttered open and I said good mornin' to her like it was somethin' that happened all the time. Except that it hadn't ever happened before. That was somethin' I was hopin' to change though.

I was just happy that she seemed happy I was there today. And that the nausea that had been hauntin' me for the last few days didn't make an appearance within 5 seconds of wakin' up. Unlike the crew quarters, there weren't toilets in all the passenger bunks. Managed to hold it off until I got back to my room, but we had a little while of contented snugglin' and a few soft kisses traded first. Neither of us wanted to leave the room and have to break the spell, remember everythin' else that made up our realities, I don't think.

The major avoidance bein' anythin' to do with Simon, of course. It was almost mystifyin' how easy it was for me to not even think about him when I was with River. Not like I ever thought about anybody but River when it was just the two of us. It'd been like that even when we were playin' most of the time. Unless I was worried all our noise was gonna bother Mal, I more or less just focused on havin' fun with River. It's a wonder I hadn't realised that before now. How easy it was for me to just focus on River. I don't do that with anyone else, not even Simon.

I mean, come on. Three weeks ago? Simon kisses me, and I push him away because of River. I sleep with Simon and I spend half the time extremely aware how much it's hurtin' her and wonderin' how to fix it. Before that, even when I was flirtin' up a storm, neither of us were really entirely focused on each other, always other stuff that was goin' on, be it somethin' that had happened on the ship or him worryin' on River, we weren't ever totally focused on each other. Not even when we came close to kissin'.

So I guess bein' with him just to appease River weren't too far off the status quo.

I ain't about to let her push me into bein' with just him though. This is me, my heels dug in. I can't not be with River. Not even to be with Simon. And I know if Simon weren't her brother, River wouldn't be so stressed out by her (what she sees it as, anyway) stealin' me out from under him. I wasn't his to begin with. Not so far as I'm concerned. There was flirtin' and wantin', but there was never ownership or a claim of any kind. If I'd fallin' into bed with any other member of this crew, Simon would just have to suck it up and deal if I decided I wanted them over him. Why was this so different? 'Cause it really shouldn't be.

Either way, here I am, layin' in my hammock again, tryin' to figure out the logistics of bein' with River so that Simon doesn't have a gorram clue. I just wanted to be able to tell him I can't not be with River, but I can't do that. Not after the way he was talkin' last night. He thinks we're together, even though nothin' was ever said either way. We both kept sayin' we couldn't, and then he acts like we are. I couldn't help but sigh at the thought.

I'll make this work somehow. I'll spend time with Simon, eventually trade kisses, all the while buildin' up my relationship with River and takin' care of this baby. It was workable. Had to be. I'd make it.

Especially if I laid here, listenin' to the engine hum as I mulled this all over and over in my brain. "I swear your mama ain't usually this crazy, little one." I murmured softly, coverin' my stomach with my hand lightly.

Went to pull her up to the bed, shivering and trying not to toss and turn hard above her. I wanted careful, gently. Different than just want. Need and more need. She kisses me again, slowly. Too slow. My tongue tries it faster, but her speed won't budge. Determination wins.

"Everything is beautiful," I say. "I try to show the colors, but not everyone understands. not everyone sees with their eyes."

Let the shadows of the room cradle us as I pulled her to my bed.

She stumbles against me and we fall back. Back against the bed. I feel the material and look up. Too slow, I read in her eyes as she cradles closer. I see it all in fragments and flashes. Her body against mine, slipping against mine. All that I see is dizzying and out of order. Past, present, future - all in one.

Her hand between my legs, edging me on close and closer, and the gurgles of silenced moans in our throats. Clothing and no clothing. I've undressed her one moment and I still have her bra to go the next. My lips caress her puckered and wet nipple - suck gently to hear the need come from her mouth. It's all a ride: up and down and all around.

She's wet. Wet down like me. The next minute, that wet is on my fingers and I'm pressing into her. Gasp.gasp.hot.hot.heat.

Each circle she makes on me sends... - and then I gasp.

Gasp like she is with my lips parted so she can silence me with hers, even though I wouldn't be able to wake him up with my moans. I shudder and clench with her, falling hard over that edge.

I kiss her lips hard, needly, before her waterfall tumbles.

"Beautiful... is a state of mind." I whisper against the sweat of her breast and the pounding of her heavy heart, "There's no such thing."

I headed up to my room after leaving the shuttle with Simon. Tried to sleep for a little while, but there were still too many things swirlin' in my head still. I knew I wasn't about to be able to sleep for any extended period of time unless I went to talk some of this out with River.

Truth was I really missed her, more than I had Simon. Even though I did miss both of them. River and I had been so close even before all this stuff, just runnin' around and playin', talkin' about whatever popped into our heads. I missed that more than anythin'. I had to try and fix it. Had to make it okay for her to be around me again. I knew she thought things'd be easier if I was with Simon, but did that mean we had to lose the friendship on top of everythin' else?

I got back up, but stayed in my pyjamas. Didn't see any point to worryin' about what I was wearing around anybody on this ship anymore, so long as I was covered. Especially anyone with the last name of Tam. They'd seen me at my most vulnerable in more ways than one.

When I got to the passenger dorms, I damn near lost my nerve. What if she was sleepin'? What if she really didn't want to see me and she wasn't just pushin' me away for Simon's sake?

God, I could play the 'what if' game forever if I let myself. Ain't what I wanted to do though. I couldn't just sit and wait for things to happen anymore.

I tapped lightly on her door and prayed she was awake. "River?" I called softly, "I know it's late, but can I come in for a while? Can we just please talk?"

I nodded towards Kaylee. Everything she was saying was all true. She was perceptive of River and the situation around her.

I smiled softly as she talked about our child this way. She was happy and not frightened of any of the things I was scared about. I wasn't sure how to be completely okay with being a father so soon, especially with us being unsure about being with each other. I didn't know what to think, but I couldn't help but love the images that she created in my mind.

I laughed softly. "You're going to be a great mother, you know?" I asked softly. She didn't hold back with what she wanted for this child and I was sure that she'd do anything for him or her.

"And... this child is very loved. Even if people aren't showing it right now." I told her firmly. "Although, I think I'm thinking more about the next few months rather than... the next few years." I couldn't help the smile that came up at the thought of a little girl or even a little boy with Kaylee's bright smile.

I let out a shaky breath as I headed into Inara's shuttle and straight to the couch, sittin' down in front of it like I usually did when I was in here with her. It was familiar, comforting. Something I needed right now. How was I supposed to say to them what needed to be said? I didn't think I could.

I took a breath, closin' my eyes and leanin' back against the couch as I waited for Simon and River to get settled. Deep, relaxin' breaths. Tryin' to find some semblance of calm is good, better for the baby.

I didn't want to be doin' this now...but Inara was right. We had to talk.

"Okay...I'm not overly sure where to start, but I'm just gonna do my best to be honest, 'cause both of you deserve that much." I said, pullin' my knees in close to my body. I was pullin' myself into a little protective ball and I knew it. "Just...let me get out what I have to say before you interrupt me okay?" I said, more to Simon than River. I knew she'd know what I was sayin' as soon as thoughts formed to say them.

"I know it looked like I was confused, massively, for a while there...about what I wanted. And I was. At first." I said, "I mean, what else could I be when bein' with you, River, had pushed nearly all thoughts of Simon out of my head. You loved me, I was fallin' for you. And I was happy with that. With you. I was. Then Simon kissed me, and things got mixed up...and you pushed me away and they turned to mud." I paused, closin' my eyes again, formulatin' what I was gonna say next.

"I didn't go to the infirmary that night with the intension of so much as kissin' you, Simon. I mean, sure, River'd planted the idea in my head that maybe I'd be better off with you, but that wasn't why I was there. Remember? I went to clear up why River was hurting." He knew this, and I was sure River did, too, but it was important...I had to keep everythin' straight. "I guess emotions were just runnin' far too high, 'cause absolutely everythin' changed again that night, and I don't mean just 'cause I got pregnant...I mean because of what was said and done. When I told you I loved you, I was admittin' it to myself as much as you."

The more I spoke the less I wanted to be doin' it. The less I wanted to be havin' this conversation because I dreaded their reactions almost as much as I had Mal's when I went onto the bridge tonight.

"The mornin' after...I was strugglin' with what all this meant...lovin' Simon, wantin' River as much as I did..." I said, my eyes focused on the far wall. "And the more I thought about it, and tried to put it in to words the more it probably came across as total confusion to you Simon. But there was a good reason for it. I knew what I wanted...but I knew I couldn't have it, so I was tryin' to figure out how to basically deny a part of myself no matter what I did." I sighed heavily, takin' a breath and squeezin' my eyes shut.

Couldn't quite face being able to see them, even out of the corner of my eyes when I said what I had to next.

"Well, I've had three weeks to think about it, make sure I was sure that I wasn't just bein' indecisive. The only answer I've got for either of you right now is that I want both of you." I said quietly. "I know that's not even remotely workable...but at least it's honest." I finished, another heavy sigh escapin' my lips.

Simon: Noticing everyone around including River didn't exactly ease my nerves much. She caught gaze with me and knew right away. I let out a shallow breath listening to Kaylee speak. This was going to go over so well. I was sure.

Mal: Didn't Inara know that we needed work? I mean, sure we could go to those planets, but she'd only find another job with another guy who didn't respect her at all. She didn't get tired of it though. It was her life. I turned at the sound of Kaylee's voice. We hadn't heard much from her lately and she wasn't her usual endlessly cheerful self. Somethin' was wrong and we all knew. From the tone of her voice I worried. Why was the doctor involved anyway? He'd stayed mostly away from her as of late. "What is it, Kaylee?" I asked.

Kaylee: I took a deep breath, workin' up the courage to tell him. I felt dizzy again, but I knew it was all nerves this time, "I'm pregnant..." I said quietly, waitin' for his reaction.

( Are you responsible, Simon? )

It'd been almost three weeks since I'd said anythin' of substance to either Simon or River. Aside from tryin' and failin' at explainin' why I had been with Simon at all to River, I talked to them when I needed to. When I had to ask them to pass somethin' at the table, or Mal told me to tell 'em somethin'.

Not that I'd been goin' to every meal when everyone else was. Especially supper. Some nights I was just too tired, some nights the smell of the food waftin' out of the kitchen made me sick to my stomach.

At first I thought I'd gotten a flu somehow, maybe when I was gettin' supplies while Mal and Zoe were off makin' a contact for a job, but it had gone on a bit too long at this point for that to be the case, and that worried me. If it wasn't the flu there was basically two options. Either I was dyin', or I was pregnant. Unfortunately the latter seems more likely.

It weren't that I didn't want kids. I did. Just now? Wasn't the ideal time for me to be havin' a baby. Never mind how difficult it was gonna make me doin' my job in a few months time, I wasn't even on speakin' terms with the father, who was also the doctor. The doctor I'd have to go to in order to confirm my suspicions. This was the last thing I wanted to be thinkin' about right now.

I mean, on top of feelin' like complete gos se pretty much constantly for two weeks, I still had no idea what to do about Simon and River. No idea what to say to River to get her to stop lookin' at me with this mixture of hurt and questionin' why I couldn't just stick to her nicely laid out plan in her eyes. I just... I wanted some way to be able to choose between them and still feel happy and complete at the same time. And that just didn't seem possible. But neither did bein' with both of them, or them even like sharin' me or something. River might be able to work with that idea, but Simon? No way.

So I was basically back to sacrificin' somethin' of myself to be with one or the other. Wasn't close to ideal. Especially when it was gonna hurt one of them no matter what I did.

A couple hours after dinner, I climbed up my the ladder from my room to the hall that lead to the bridge, figurin' gettin' some food in me, even some toast might help settle my stomach some. I didn't manage to get real far though. I stopped in the doorway of the kitchen, not steppin' through it on to the stairs, and instead bracin' my self in the door frame as a wave of dizziness washin' over me.

"Whoa...Okay...that's not good..." I mumbled, my eyes closed to make the room not spin.

Everythin' after leavin' the infirmary last night felt like this crazy, wonderful dream. Especially listenin' to his heart lull me off to sleep as he held me close. I had to fight the urge to whimper when my eyes opened in the mornin'. I wasn't even close to ready to go back to reality.

Last night there was just us, and even though things should have mattered beyond us bein' together, they didn't. It was like we were the only two people in the entire 'verse. Now that it was mornin', everythin' was floodin' in. The fact that we had to now deal with the consequences of our actions. Don't matter for one second what River had said. It wasn't what she wanted. Me bein' with her brother was gonna devastate her. Probably already had. I didn't know how to go about justifyin' what I'd done to her. Couldn't tell her I regretted it, 'cause it would be as big of a lie as her sayin' she couldn't breathe around me.

Well, that might well be true now, but it wasn't when she said it, that's for damn sure.

After a while of stewin' in my own thoughts and bein' no closer to an answer than I was last night, I noticed Simon's eyes flutter open just slightly. "Mornin', honey." I whispered, brushin' his hair back from his face before placin' a soft, affectionate kiss on his forehead. "You sleep okay?"

I wanted to stretch all this out for just a teeny bit longer before the consequences came crashin' down around us and I was sure he felt the exact same way. Who knew what was gonna happen once we left the safety of his room?

What was happening right now was exactly what I didn't want to happen between the two of us. Things were supposed to be simple, smooth, and without complication. Things weren't though - it was difficult and confusing without room to make things better. I didn't know quite how to make things, in any way, better.

There were obstacles. River, that was the obstacle. God, what was I doing even thinking that River was an obstacle. River, my sister, the girl I just gave up my entire life for and I feel like I'm trying to toss her away. She depended on me for... everything and right now I was the one who was making her horribly unhappy. It was the last thing I wanted to do. I loved her more than life itself, but I couldn't help but feel in some ways similar towards Kaylee.

I had treated the two of them disgustingly in the last few days and still they wanted to be around me. I acted like the injured party when they both were hurting too. It was unacceptable behavior - as well as the way I was behaving towards Kaylee now. I practically used her as a tool for vendettas and my own physical pleasure. If we had gotten that far, I would've. I didn't want to become this person I was despising.

I look up, from dressing my wound, to Kaylee. "Yes, not getting shot at would be easier, wouldn't it?"

I remember why I was shot though. I had sworn that River was telling the truth to Early and that she'd actually go away with him. It was the same feeling overwhelming me as when I saw the Fed put a gun to my sister's head. I had to do something; something to prevent things from happening. However, my something this time hadn't worked. If River hadn't been bluffing, she'd be away right now.

Majority of me would be stricken with grief and the other small part of me would feel relief. It was the relief that I didn't even want to consider. I really didn't want River gone. I just wanted to be happy right now. I really wanted to be happy with Kaylee. Every time I felt like I should kiss her, I felt a quick pang of guilt as if I was doing something horribly wrong. No matter if River had tried to take things back and give Kaylee to me, no matter if Kaylee wanted it to - this wasn't something that I should be taking. Even if the feelings were undeniable.

I can't suppress the soft smiles to her. One that appears right after she tells me that I'm a good doctor. It was all I really wanted to be. It was all I wanted to be until I came here.

I shuffled my pants gently up before doing up the belt again. "I wouldn't really know the difference between flesh and fabric. Only that one is fairly sensitive comparatively. It's easier when you don't actually think about it attached to a person," I commented. "Sometimes you have to detach yourself from the situation."